There are many funny things will come to you when you have a dog, And those things only people have a dog know.
1. Early-morning walks in freezing weather. You have to put on so many layers just to go around the block, and he’ll be sure to stop and sniff every single tree, fire hydrant, and trash can as you shiver.
2. The cost of walks, grooming, boarding, and vet visits. You’re not going to be stingy about taking care of him, and the people who run these businesses totally know that.
3. The smell of wet food. Opening a can every day doesn’t mean you still don’t want to gag, especially if you accidentally touch it with your hand.
4. Weekend mornings when you want to sleep in and he has other ideas. “Wake up, sleepyhead! It’s time to pee and play!”
5. Drool in the spot on the sofa where you were about to sit. Or, oops, you did sit.
6. Fur all over the house. And the car. And everything you own. You didn’t think he was supposed to shed that much, but your black dress now had a thin layer of white over it.
7. Stolen food. It was just on the table — or in your hand — but now it is not. Guess you weren’t the only one who wanted a bagel.
8. That moment when you think you didn’t bring a bag on your walk. What are you going to do if he has to go? Just leave it on the street? Come back with a bag later? Just kidding! You have a bag. THANK GOD.
9. His refusal to go out in the rain. As if you were psyched about it.
10. Wet dog smell after he comes in from the rain. Also, paw prints on your floor and the potential of being sprayed when he shakes himself off.
11. Those sad eyes when you leave. Sure, go ahead without him. No worries. He’s just your best friend.
12. His alpha-dog reaction when the doorbell rings. The guy just wants to deliver your crispy noodles and dumplings, but first, you have to apologize for all the barking.
13. The need to plan your activities around getting home to take him out. “What time does the movie start? And how long is it again? And which theater is it? And will we be getting dinner before that?”
14. Tracking mode. If you have a hound and he picks up a scent, hang on tight.
15. His decision to sit down on the sidewalk five blocks from your apartment. That’s enough walking for right now. Thanks.
16. His decision to poop right in the middle of the street. When the light’s about to change, of course.
17. Puppy teeth marks on your shoes. He’s got good taste, but you just bought those.
18. Missing socks. What? His bed just needs a little more cushioning.
19. The need to put the cover down on the toilet. If he can reach it, he will drink out of it.
20. Embarrassment when he licks himself in public. “Stop that. Be a gentleman,” you tell him, laughing awkwardly.
21. Tangled leashes with other dogs. It’s cute in the movies because then the two owners fall in love. It’s less so when you’re running late to meet a friend and just trying to squeeze in a quick walk.
22. The struggle to put his booties on him when it snows. “Gimme this paw!” “OK, now gimme this paw!”
23. His confusion about his size. Oh, you thought there was a weight limit to being a lapdog? He strongly disagrees.
24. His initial rejection of his brand-new bone. It was so kind of you to think of him, but he much prefers the old, disgusting, slobbered-on one.
25. Constant monitoring of what may or may not be in his mouth. Was he just sniffing in that spot, or did he leave with a dead squirrel souvenir?
26. No space to spread out in your bed. If you let him sleep with you, he will undoubtedly pick a prime spot and leave you huddled on the side. And you will go along with it.
27. The realization that you are talking to him out loud in public. “Are you kidding me? We’re going to stop again? Didn’t you just go?”
28. Low coffee tables, long tails. That glass is neither half full nor half empty. It’s just empty. Because the water is all over your floor and your magazines.
29. An inability to vacuum without him freaking out. He doesn’t know what that machine in your hand is, but he does not like it.
30. Anxiety when another dog approaches. Will it be nice? Will they just sniff each other? Should you call out, “He’s friendly!” to the owner in advance? Or should you just smile and keep moving?
31. The Internet’s obsession with cats. Why can’t everyone just admit that dogs are better?